I'm posting this note I just sent my long-time friend and source of musical inspiration, Jeff Smith, so that the five people who read my blog will spread the word about his music.
His music can be accessed here: www.myspace.com/juffage
And here's the note:
jeff -
had to write you a little review-style note to let you know how great your music is.
these two songs have cemented my confidence in your ability to make it as a musician, or, at the very least, someone successfully involved in the music industry.
in "bombs", first of all, you prove that you can write a great pop song. this one has great melodies, harmonies, dynamics...it's also sweet that, for once, we can hear what you're singing; you aren't hiding behind the instrumental arrangements; you want us to hear what you have to say for a change.
it's with "seoul", though, that I think you've demonstrated what you're fully capable of. this sounds like it came straight from a microphones/mum record, to me, except even more interesting and compelling. your arrangements are just right: interesting, sophisticated, but not overly showy. this song seems like it was made by a jeff who was much less frustrated and much more patient with himself, as not one part of it sounds forced. all the parts operate as portions of an organic whole instead of separately vying for the attention of the listener. the drums, for instance, are much more subtle than you've typically been known to make them, but they perfectly suit the mood of the song and help it to build. i'd say the same thing about all the other parts, too. somehow, the song is over six minutes long, but it doesn't feel repetitive or stretched out at all. and...it makes me feel good!
both of these are songs i thoroughly enjoy listening to and repeatedly want to come back to. if you were to submit a two-song demo containing these to some small-time labels, there is just no way you wouldn't peak someone's interest. trust me.
so, clearly, you can write and record great music. i'll finish off by saying what i've been saying to you for the past few weeks: now all you need is to GET OUT THERE and get involved in some of these communities that Chicago simply must be hiding. jeff, NOW IS YOUR TIME DUDE.
i'm still talking to alex and ben about their living situation. it sounds like they're going to wait until they get up there before they make any decisions. i guess that sorta makes sense...i'll make sure they call you beforehand, though.
peace, talented broseph.
-tobias
Friday, July 27, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
clarification
oh yeah, and just in case those of you keeping up with this blog are assuming i've gone apostate, this is a friendly reminder that, despite the tones of the last few entries, i have not!
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Sunday Lazy Sunday
Church isn't something I've been wanting to attend lately. So, it being Sunday and me needing to acknowledge the ineffable in some fashion or other, I've decided to blog.
Matthew told us not to walk through the streets trumpeting the practice of our religious lives. I wonder if he knew about blogs and how they would enable us to trumpet everything from the most mundane to the most personal affairs we could put into written word. I wonder if he knew that trumpeting one's religious life would, 2000 years later, have more to do with being honest about being confused in a diverse cultural landscape and reaching out for a listening ear than attempting to appear righteous. Nowadays, people don't want to feel righteous as much as they want to feel connected and less alone.
Righteousness is such an ugly feeling for me, lately, and this has a lot to do with why I haven't been attending church. Righteousness means every person I look at who doesn't "have God" is lying to themselves, their words are not to be taken at face value but instead are a cover for emptiness and a lack of being. Righteousness means that I deserve attention in a certain way from the people around me because I have something that they need to hear. Righteousness means that I will limit myself to speak the language of an ultimate neediness, which everyone else must acknowledge in themselves if I am to feel comfortable. Anyone who seems at peace or confident without articulating a need for God, for any kind of spiritual life, is an anomaly and is ultimately resented for their ability to find strength and confidence in themselves and their worldly accomplishments.
These are the ugliest aspects of righteousness, and to be sure, they represent not righteousness in its entirety but rather a particular species: self-righteousness. The problem is, any time I go to church or have a half-hour of prayer, what initially begins as a feeling of peace and love for those around me quickly is sublimated into a desire to applaud myself for being so great. The sense of self becomes magnified, and with it, desire for a different situation, for things to be better. A profound unacceptance of the way things are fills the air, and depression and alienation quickly so often follow suit. In fact, the one thing this freshly spiritualized self cannot do is accept things as they are, right now, in the present. As the world's future becomes known, the wheat separated from the chaff, I feel increasingly separated from the various voices of which the world is comprised...music, the words of my friends, the pain and confusion of others. I am put above these things, I am some sort of hero, I somehow have an answer that everyone else is just ignoring. Everyone else is lying to themselves, while I'm being honest about my weaknesses and holes. Most importantly, I am totally, totally alone, and I feel it so much more profoundly the more I try to base my life on "higher" things.
Clearly, in Christianity, there is a constant sense of being called forth, of a moving towards, a striving for ultimate union. This manifests itself in the earnest, childlike (a word which is not necessarily to be construed in a negative sense) admonitions of the faithful. There is a constant sense of vulnerability. For me, however, these potentially positive things have more often than not disabled me from accepting myself or my given situation. I cannot have the sense of humor that comes from accepting the worse aspects of life and being able to not take them too seriously, for these aspects are understood to arise not from the the fact that "this is the way things are" but instead from a recognition of ultimate and eternal death, evil, and darkness. I cannot have fun with my friends because there is always something better, always an ideal which is not quite being realized. Their words cannot be totally accepted at face value because, again, they are not complicit in helping to build "real" reality, i.e. the Kingdom of Heaven. Everyone is to be treated as if, deep down, they are hurting deeply, despite whatever appearances of wholeness they may exude. Most importantly, I cannot accept myself. Or, strange as this sounds, I accept myself totally in a way that keeps me from needing to adapt to new relationships.
What I want is not to have a shining, beaming self-sustaining confidence, but instead to be surrounded by people I love, enjoy, and can have a good time with, with whom I have a mutual sense of fun and connection. Simplicity. Acceptance. Satisfaction with the things I do and the choices I make. This is what I want.
Matthew told us not to walk through the streets trumpeting the practice of our religious lives. I wonder if he knew about blogs and how they would enable us to trumpet everything from the most mundane to the most personal affairs we could put into written word. I wonder if he knew that trumpeting one's religious life would, 2000 years later, have more to do with being honest about being confused in a diverse cultural landscape and reaching out for a listening ear than attempting to appear righteous. Nowadays, people don't want to feel righteous as much as they want to feel connected and less alone.
Righteousness is such an ugly feeling for me, lately, and this has a lot to do with why I haven't been attending church. Righteousness means every person I look at who doesn't "have God" is lying to themselves, their words are not to be taken at face value but instead are a cover for emptiness and a lack of being. Righteousness means that I deserve attention in a certain way from the people around me because I have something that they need to hear. Righteousness means that I will limit myself to speak the language of an ultimate neediness, which everyone else must acknowledge in themselves if I am to feel comfortable. Anyone who seems at peace or confident without articulating a need for God, for any kind of spiritual life, is an anomaly and is ultimately resented for their ability to find strength and confidence in themselves and their worldly accomplishments.
These are the ugliest aspects of righteousness, and to be sure, they represent not righteousness in its entirety but rather a particular species: self-righteousness. The problem is, any time I go to church or have a half-hour of prayer, what initially begins as a feeling of peace and love for those around me quickly is sublimated into a desire to applaud myself for being so great. The sense of self becomes magnified, and with it, desire for a different situation, for things to be better. A profound unacceptance of the way things are fills the air, and depression and alienation quickly so often follow suit. In fact, the one thing this freshly spiritualized self cannot do is accept things as they are, right now, in the present. As the world's future becomes known, the wheat separated from the chaff, I feel increasingly separated from the various voices of which the world is comprised...music, the words of my friends, the pain and confusion of others. I am put above these things, I am some sort of hero, I somehow have an answer that everyone else is just ignoring. Everyone else is lying to themselves, while I'm being honest about my weaknesses and holes. Most importantly, I am totally, totally alone, and I feel it so much more profoundly the more I try to base my life on "higher" things.
Clearly, in Christianity, there is a constant sense of being called forth, of a moving towards, a striving for ultimate union. This manifests itself in the earnest, childlike (a word which is not necessarily to be construed in a negative sense) admonitions of the faithful. There is a constant sense of vulnerability. For me, however, these potentially positive things have more often than not disabled me from accepting myself or my given situation. I cannot have the sense of humor that comes from accepting the worse aspects of life and being able to not take them too seriously, for these aspects are understood to arise not from the the fact that "this is the way things are" but instead from a recognition of ultimate and eternal death, evil, and darkness. I cannot have fun with my friends because there is always something better, always an ideal which is not quite being realized. Their words cannot be totally accepted at face value because, again, they are not complicit in helping to build "real" reality, i.e. the Kingdom of Heaven. Everyone is to be treated as if, deep down, they are hurting deeply, despite whatever appearances of wholeness they may exude. Most importantly, I cannot accept myself. Or, strange as this sounds, I accept myself totally in a way that keeps me from needing to adapt to new relationships.
What I want is not to have a shining, beaming self-sustaining confidence, but instead to be surrounded by people I love, enjoy, and can have a good time with, with whom I have a mutual sense of fun and connection. Simplicity. Acceptance. Satisfaction with the things I do and the choices I make. This is what I want.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
The problem with peace
Here's why inner peace is scary: one who is at peace will not be as able to perform well, to be responsible in one's duties, to keep up with the externalities which must be held in check.
Alright, it's Devil's Advocate time:
What if Peace, in our attempts to hold onto it, necessarily becomes a fantasy, a collection of beliefs and symbols we hold onto which does not mesh quite so well with the daily world in which we interact? What if it leads to dysfunction and excuse-making? What if it keeps us from ever taking full ownership of our actions because we can allow agency and causation to flow backwards from us to someone/thing else, a greater Cause which we can use to explain away our doings?
Who cares if it enables us to make others feel better, to be more compassionate, if all we are doing is spreading a fantasy that brings comfort and yet also may keep people from truly dealing with their insecurities and pain in a way that will allow them to move on?
What if pain really is gain? What if hardness leads to happiness?
I'll be at peace. I'll have my refreshment, my prayer time, my feelings of wholeness. As soon as this happens, as soon as I let go of my future as a _____ (doctor, musician, etc), I become unbearably sensitive and excruciatingly needy, to the point where I can't actually accomplish because I'm so fixated on...something? God? What?? Simultaneously, all the things I thought I dealt with this year, all the pain and loss associated with my various relationships, it comes back, it makes me feel like I haven't really changed at all. And I CANT STAND IT.
Admittedly, when I went to volunteer at that very evangelical/fundamentalist camp for teenagers last summer, I came back completely invigorated, completely wanting to forget about the tangled paths my relationships had taken me through in that previous year. These things didn't matter anymore: I had love, I had forgiveness, I had passion. Inevitably, this ubuntu complex faded as I got deep into the fall semester. Inevitably, exposing that sensitive, excitable core to the people I lived with only led to me getting hurt, which of course led to classic, Nieztchean-style resentment of the highest degree. I became a victim.
If someone can show me a way to walk in the Spirit without becoming unbearably vulnerable, without using it as an excuse to not achieve or challenge myself, without becoming incredibly serious and sentimental, without allowing me to use it to feel like I can judge others, I will gladly, excitedly listen. Yes, I'm missing something. Yes, I've had it before.
Alright, it's Devil's Advocate time:
What if Peace, in our attempts to hold onto it, necessarily becomes a fantasy, a collection of beliefs and symbols we hold onto which does not mesh quite so well with the daily world in which we interact? What if it leads to dysfunction and excuse-making? What if it keeps us from ever taking full ownership of our actions because we can allow agency and causation to flow backwards from us to someone/thing else, a greater Cause which we can use to explain away our doings?
Who cares if it enables us to make others feel better, to be more compassionate, if all we are doing is spreading a fantasy that brings comfort and yet also may keep people from truly dealing with their insecurities and pain in a way that will allow them to move on?
What if pain really is gain? What if hardness leads to happiness?
I'll be at peace. I'll have my refreshment, my prayer time, my feelings of wholeness. As soon as this happens, as soon as I let go of my future as a _____ (doctor, musician, etc), I become unbearably sensitive and excruciatingly needy, to the point where I can't actually accomplish because I'm so fixated on...something? God? What?? Simultaneously, all the things I thought I dealt with this year, all the pain and loss associated with my various relationships, it comes back, it makes me feel like I haven't really changed at all. And I CANT STAND IT.
Admittedly, when I went to volunteer at that very evangelical/fundamentalist camp for teenagers last summer, I came back completely invigorated, completely wanting to forget about the tangled paths my relationships had taken me through in that previous year. These things didn't matter anymore: I had love, I had forgiveness, I had passion. Inevitably, this ubuntu complex faded as I got deep into the fall semester. Inevitably, exposing that sensitive, excitable core to the people I lived with only led to me getting hurt, which of course led to classic, Nieztchean-style resentment of the highest degree. I became a victim.
If someone can show me a way to walk in the Spirit without becoming unbearably vulnerable, without using it as an excuse to not achieve or challenge myself, without becoming incredibly serious and sentimental, without allowing me to use it to feel like I can judge others, I will gladly, excitedly listen. Yes, I'm missing something. Yes, I've had it before.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Failure not so painful when it happens a lot
So, from my title, you may be thinking that I feel sorry for myself that I did not get the RA job this year. Yes, I'm a fifth-year senior, yes, I've already been an RA before, yes, I have a wide range of involvements at ASU which would help me do the job well. Whatever. These things, sometimes, simply do happen and it seems best to not take them personally and recognize them for what they are: decisions made based on criteria and organizational agendas that may have little to do with the experience/skill of the applicant. Or, maybe I said too much in my interview, like, "I don't want Manzanita" (stupid) or "I'm going to be really busy with other stuff this year" (are you kidding?).
I'm on alternate status. This will enable Res Life to call me at the end of August to see if I'd still like to work for them. Better than nothing, for sure.
Other failures, both dealing with jobs this summer: didn't get the Barrett Summer Scholars job (don't have enough experience relative to other applicants or something like that), didn't get the job at the autistic school in Scottsdale as a music therapist. In both cases, got my hopes WAY up. This is why it was so painful to not get either one. Therefore, in the future, I'll just be putting myself out there without expectation. I think this is a good strategy for life/careers in general. Also, these weren't exactly failures, so "wah wah wah" is not really going on here. I'm venting.
But seriously, on the brighter side, I'll be able to spend more time doing other novel things, as well as enjoy the company of my off-campus friends a little better. Have already gotten several offers from people who need roommates, one of whom even said cleanliness was a plus. Wow.
Can't imagine that.
My journal writing is still pretty shallow relative to what it was a year and a half ago. Shoot.
I almost want to start talking about spiritual matters again but something's keeping me from doing so. Probably my desire to lay low, keep my secrets to myself, hold in all my desires and resentments. I have to plan out my "life", my "career", must start taking the world seriously as a place to work out a scheme of purpose and success. Can't indulge in inner-life things. Not here, not yet. You'll have to talk to me to hear about that kinda stuff, and maybe even then I might want to keep this facade up as best I can. I will say this much: the desire to hide is overwhelming at times. Not from the world, but from the inner voice which has provided me with so much peace and simple happiness throughout my life. Why? I'm afraid it's not real and keeps me from growing. I actually had more posted on this and, of course, the internet stopped working. It will come out eventually.
I'm on alternate status. This will enable Res Life to call me at the end of August to see if I'd still like to work for them. Better than nothing, for sure.
Other failures, both dealing with jobs this summer: didn't get the Barrett Summer Scholars job (don't have enough experience relative to other applicants or something like that), didn't get the job at the autistic school in Scottsdale as a music therapist. In both cases, got my hopes WAY up. This is why it was so painful to not get either one. Therefore, in the future, I'll just be putting myself out there without expectation. I think this is a good strategy for life/careers in general. Also, these weren't exactly failures, so "wah wah wah" is not really going on here. I'm venting.
But seriously, on the brighter side, I'll be able to spend more time doing other novel things, as well as enjoy the company of my off-campus friends a little better. Have already gotten several offers from people who need roommates, one of whom even said cleanliness was a plus. Wow.
Can't imagine that.
My journal writing is still pretty shallow relative to what it was a year and a half ago. Shoot.
I almost want to start talking about spiritual matters again but something's keeping me from doing so. Probably my desire to lay low, keep my secrets to myself, hold in all my desires and resentments. I have to plan out my "life", my "career", must start taking the world seriously as a place to work out a scheme of purpose and success. Can't indulge in inner-life things. Not here, not yet. You'll have to talk to me to hear about that kinda stuff, and maybe even then I might want to keep this facade up as best I can. I will say this much: the desire to hide is overwhelming at times. Not from the world, but from the inner voice which has provided me with so much peace and simple happiness throughout my life. Why? I'm afraid it's not real and keeps me from growing. I actually had more posted on this and, of course, the internet stopped working. It will come out eventually.
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